You can learn a lot about paranoid people just by following them around.

If Donald Trump was a Sith Lord, his name would be Taxi Vader

Did you know if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Chuck Norris shot an arrow down with an apple.

Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

I hate it when I'm at someone's house and they keep asking stupid questions like "Who are you?" and, "Is that a gun?"

"Of course I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.

Why is it that when a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she is considered a slut, but when a man does it, he is considered gay?

The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.

I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."

Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other - so now it's just a waiting game.

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix it."

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she asked if her drug test was multiple choice.

Wearing a turtleneck shirt is like being strangled by a really weak person all day.

I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up,

I wish I'd never put it on now.

Yo momma so fat she thought planet Earth was her stomach.

She is so blonde, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went back home.

I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95 Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

If we're all God's Children, what's so special about Jesus ?

Germany vs. Brazil in the 2014 World Cup.

I got fired from the calendar factory just because I took a few days off...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?", laughs at his own joke, then calls animal control.

I used to play Skyrim but then I took an arrow in the knee. Then, I played MW3 until I took a bullet in the elbow. And now, I'm in the hospital wondering why people keep harming me.

your mama is so fat that she weighs 261 pounds.

I tell everyone I can about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.

I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms.

Like the girl I'm going out with insists on calling me just "friend" instead of "boyfriend".

It's a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

I identify as an elongated fish.

People say I'm mentally eel.

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis."

I, for one, like Roman numerals

People ask me why I'm so nervous around trees, and I always have the same answer

"They just seem really shady."

I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.

I hope it's not terminal.

Apparently I snore so loud that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

Monday - Greg
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar.

I keep asking people what LGBT means.

I never get a straight answer.

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

I'm entering into the world's tightest hat competition

I hope I can pull it off.

My wife was just conned into buying an awful used mirror.

It reflects poorly on her.

I just arrived in Australia to surprise my fiance.

She's in London and the wedding's tomorrow.

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight.

So I made up a bed for him.

My mailman buddy tells a lot of jokes about undelivered letters.

But no one seems to get them.

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends "partner in crime."

Like we get it bro, she's under-age.

Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.

If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

This morning at work my boss told me to "have a great day."

So I went to the pub.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

But in the end, he came around.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves

I was just voted "Least Likely to Succeed" by my graduating class.

I hate being a teacher.

The early bird gets the worm.

But the second mouse gets the cheese

My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.

I was the control group.

A giant globe fell on my son's face.

He's currently in hospital with sphere injuries.

Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool...

Wooden tit?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don't worry, no one got hurt.

When my girlfriend told me that her fantasy was to be abducted, I thought she was joking.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

The other day I brought myself a universal remote and thought to myself well this changes everything.

I recently joined a nudist colony.

The first few days were the hardest.

I once went on a date with a cross-eyed girl.

It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

I got a job as a bullet.

I was fired immediately.

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"

Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!"

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said, "Let's take this upstairs."

"Ok," I said, "You grab one end and I'll grab the other."

Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction.

Time to get jogging ladies.

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

Shout out to the people who are wondering what the opposite of in is.

My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating.

But I managed to pull it off.

Why don't attractive Spanish people use umbrellas?

Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

What I if told you.

You read the first line wrong.

My granddad died because the report said he had Type-A blood.

Unfortunately, it was a Type-O.

Today I have officially been sober for one hundred days.

But not like, in a row or anything.

My sister just had a baby boy, and they've decided to call him Mark, but with a C.

What kind of name is Cark?

I'm trying to be a sociopath, but I'm not that great in manipulating people.

I'm more of a so-so path.

I'm scared of π.

It's an irrational fear.

My mum walked in my room and said, "You'll go blind if you do that!"

I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse.

My first girlfriend was a tennis player, but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.

31 years ago today the doctor delivered me.

I can't believe I've survived so long without a liver.

My deaf wife just told me that "we need to talk."

That was not a good sign.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

I had a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

Feminists just want to be treated equally.

To the pretty ones.

I would never vaccinate my kids!

I would rather have a doctor do that.

I couldn't decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think through it.

Turns out two heads are better than one.

I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.

It's a gift.

If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

Iron Man is a very confusing character.

I know he's a guy, but he also been Fe Male.

If there are any guitar players here who want to know just one thing about making the best of their instrument....

Stay tuned.

My bald surgeon is the most charismatic man I've ever met.

He's a real smooth operator.

I once swallowed a dictionary

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I can't believe that even after 20 years, people are still making references to "Friends".

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

I call my weed "The Quran".

Because burning it will get you stoned.

I tell dad jokes, but have no kids.

I'm a faux pa.

I just bought a border collie.

The one I already had wasn't bored enough.

I looked up opaque in the dictionary

But the definition is unclear.

My wife refuses to go to Karaoke with me.

I guess I'll have to duet alone.

My friend has a butler with a missing left arm.

Serves him right.

I've recently got a job making chess pieces.

I'm currently working knights.

It's very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

I've just seen the new Batman trailer...

But I prefer the Batmobile.

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Nowadays if you talk about botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

My wife is amazing in bed.

She can fall asleep within minutes no matter how loud the TV is on.

I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

For future reference, "What do you need?" isn't the right answer.

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Diet programs can be very profitable.

They appeal to a very wide audience.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "You know, one would have been enough."

The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear...

Is sphere itself.

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, always has 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Bullets are so weird.

They only do their job AFTER they're fired.

I'm starting a minimalist orchestra.

It's just like a regular orchestra but without the bells and whistles.

Is it really possible to have a "civil" war?

I've been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but it's not easy.

Good players are hard to find.

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 97% are too lazy to actually read that number.

My wife gets really upset at me for hiding kitchen utensils.

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

The only reason I took up running was to hear heavy breathing again.

The only balanced diet I like is a beer in each hand.

If you are what you eat.

I'm fast, cheap, and easy

If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian...

Then Soviet.

The First Lady was asked if she bleaches her asshole.

"No," she replied. "He gets spray tanned."

If I were rich I would give most of my money to the poor.

But I'm poor, so I give most of my money to the rich.

Two elephants meet a naked guy.

After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"

It takes balls to be a transvestite.

The difference between high school and prison is that no one wanted me during high school.

My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.

Kids in my street are having a water fight and I can't help but join in.

Just waiting on the kettle to boil and I'll be straight out.

I went to the bookstore and asked for a book about turtles.

"Hardback?" asked the worker.

"Yeah," I said. "And little heads."

Animal testing is a terrible idea.

They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I'm a virgin by choice!

Just not my choice.

Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and you realise you weren't as hungry as you thought?

I got fired from my job at Pepsi.

I tested positive for Coke.

When the wheel was invented, it started a revolution.

Where there's a will, there's a relative.

My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed.

I've been erased from her mammary.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!

I'm going to live forever or die trying!

I just inherited some dried grapes.

I've put them in my currant account.

Your momma's so fat the only time she sees "90210" is when she's on a scale.

If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her, and she'll tell you you're just friends.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always remain stationary.

Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

Psychic wanted.

You know where to apply.

My email password has been hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

Like most people my age, I'm 23.

I remember my grandfather's last words he said to me before he kicked the bucket...

"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

Did you know that the Supreme Court is just a regular court with sour cream?

A man walks into a pole and freezes to death.

If we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills?

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Vegans with children named 'Hunter' are why I lie awake at night.

1, 2, buckle my shoe.

3, 4, shut the door.

5, 6, I'm gonna to cut you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris is the only man who's been to the "Beyond" section of Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Yo mama so poor I sat on the garbage can and she said get off from my roof.

Cinderella played backwards is about a woman who learns her place.

Yo momma's so ugly, she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet.

Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, but he changed his name when the pressure got to him.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Yo mama so fat when she jumped in the pool the water jumped out!

I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband.

If it weren't for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

Wife to husband: 'Let's go out and have some fun tonight!'

Husband: 'Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.'

Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone

you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.

Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.

If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.

There's a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

Chuck Norris doesn't check under his bed for monsters, monsters check on top of the bed to see if Chuck Norris is sleeping.

Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it...

My wife has a contract to give lectures – it's called a marriage licence.

Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.

My wife keeps telling me I shouldn't pee in the bath – or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.

A cop once pulled Chuck Norris over...Luckily, the cop left only with a warning.

"A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes."

Chuck Norris can make scissors beat rock.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet...he scares the shit out of it.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.

Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

What's the difference between Miley Cyrus and a salad? The salad is dressed.

Chuck Norris doesn't tell lies. He changes facts.

Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

Chuck Norris cut's a knife with butter.

When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double during crying scenes.

My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."

"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.

Chuck Norris donates his beard clippings to the Army so they can make Kevlar vests.

Chuck Norris can whistle in five different languages, including sign language.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Chuck Norris protects his body guards.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.

I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.

Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.

Chuck Norris can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.

The Guinness Book of World Records is actually Chuck Norris' elementary school report card.

Giraffes were invented when Chuck Norris laid an uppercut to a horse.

When Chuck Norris enters into a courtroom, the judge stands up.

A total eclipse won't look directly at Chuck Norris.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.

When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa. Peacefully and asleep.

Unlike the passengers in his car.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When I reached to a desert island I didn't find anybody; so I turned home!

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Chuck Norris' glare will liquify your kidney.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

When a woman gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.

Chuck Norris can flip a coin and make it land on both sides at the same time.

Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as "You Know Who."

Before they met Chuck Norris, the Black Eyed Peas were simply known as "The Peas."

Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!"

Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

Chuck Norris once shot someone with a knife.

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...

Me: "I'm finally happy!"

Life: "Lol, wait a sec."

Music teacher tells Peter:

"I warn you, if you will not behave, as appropriate, I tell your parents that you have a talent for music."

Chuck Norris can fold airplanes into paper.

My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!

Hypocrisy: When a Jehovah's Witness doesn't celebrate Halloween because they don't like random people knocking on their doors.

Chuck Norris shot a man to death with an unloaded nerf gun.

Chuck Norris once went to court for a crime, the judge pleaded guilty.

If they made a movie of Chuck Norris standing still, it would be rated R for extreme violence.

The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off

If Chuck Norris was a spartan the movie would be called "1".

I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, "Thank you. Please come again."

Chuck Norris built the hospital in which he was born.

The Statue of Liberty is alive, but Chuck Norris told her not to move.

When Chuck Norris crosses the pacific, swimming, sharks hear the "Jaws" music.

"My parachute did not work."

Said no one ever.

If Chuck Norris was in a video game it would be called Immortal Kombat.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back.

Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

Chuck Norris runs until the Treadmill gets tired.

When batman is in trouble, he turns on the Chuck Norris signal.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong.

Night time... when Chuck Norris tells the sun it's time for bed.

75% of women do not eat after 6... shots.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Chuck Norris is the only weapon allowed through airport security

Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter.

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.

CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".

Chuck Norris threw rocks into the ocean and named them Hawaii

You might kill two birds with one stone, but Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself

Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice Doggy", until your sniper gets the range.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

Yo momma so stupid that she brought a ruler to bed to see how long she could sleep.

Clark Kent had to call himself "Superman" because "Chuck Norris" was already taken.

yo moma so stupid when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV she chased after them shouting "wait you forgot the remote".

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.

You know your fucked when the Asian says, "shit", during the test.

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes.

When Chuck Norris played the card game War with a friend, France surrendered.

Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.

When I arrived at a hotel in order to fill in my identities I noticed the word "sex" so I wrote: YES PLEASE.

Yo mama so ugly, even hello kitty said goodbye.

Yo mamas so fat that when she stepped on a scale, buzz lightyear came out and said "to infinity and beyond!"

If you're scared of dying alone then become a bus driver.

Chuck Norris takes a meteor shower in the morning to freshen up.

It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.

Yo momma so fat when she fell, no one laughed, but the ground started cracking up.

The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.

If the customer is always right, then why isn't everything free?

A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

Physics is bound by the laws of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can swim in an empty pool.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Transformers are just another name for Chuck Norris' grade 5 science project.

The Grimm Reaper fears the day Chuck Norris comes for him.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Yo momma so fat when she went to the circus the little girl asked if she could ride the elephant.

Film makers are smart enough NOT to make a Chuck Norris movie in 3D.

Your mama so ugly, when she went to a stripping club, they paid her to keep her clothes on.

A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii. It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.

Before his rise to fame, Jaws was Chuck Norris's goldfish.

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, but he still managed to walk it off.

Chuck Norris can get a Pepsi out of a Coke machine.

If you rate this kickass, then Chuck Norris WILL roundhouse kick Justin Bieber's ass.

When Chuck Norris goes through airport security he makes them take their shoes off.

Yo mama is so fat that Weight Watchers said I give up.

Yo Momma is so fat...

That she broke a branch in her family tree!

I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts... she gave me change!

Yo mama is so fat every time she sits down they add another country to the map.

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."

Sundials tell the time according to the position of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris donates blood he refuses the needle, he asks for a knife and a bucket.

Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a doughnut cause it had a hole in it.

You are so old, if you to acted your age, you'd die.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep.

The winner of tonight's election is the Voyager space probe which is currently traveling at 62,137 km per hour away from the Earth into interstellar space.

Yo momma so fat she downloads cheats for Wii Fit.

Yo mama so fat Mount Everest tried to climb her.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

My girlfriend is like February 30th, she doesn't exist.

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

90% of programmer errors come from data from other programmers.

Chuck Norris once caught AIDS... but then he let it go.

Chuck Norris beat Halo 3 on legendary, with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

Laughing is always good except when you have diarrhea.

Put a "Please Use Other Door" sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.

When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have teddy bears. He had real bears.

A body in motion will remain in motion until roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris finished the Never Ending Story.

When nature calls Chuck Norris hangs up.

"What were you in civilian life, soldier?"

"Happy, sir."

James Bond was trained by Chuck Norris, as his butler.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. So if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

When Chuck Norris forgets something it ceases to exist.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

When Chuck Norris finishes his workout, the gym takes a break.

Bruce Springsteen calls Chuck Norris 'The Boss'.

Chuck Norris once won a Scrabble tournament despite getting only Z's and Q's in his rack.

Yo Momma is so fat...

That she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

The role of terminator was originally played by Chuck Norris, but they decided against it as no-one would want to shit their pants for two hours strait.

Sand is created by Chuck Norris shouting at rocks.

Chuck Norris uses a gun to be humane.

Chuck Norris invented zombies so that he can kill his victims again.

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Three seconds after Chuck Norris was shot, the bullet came out screaming.

Chuck Norris never wears steel toe boots, they make his roundhouse kicks softer.

When Chuck Norris gets pulled over he read the officers his rights.

There was a 3 car accident in Mexico yesterday, 84 people were found dead.

Yo mama so fat when she burped New Orleans thought Katrina came back to finish the job.

Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.

They wanted to put Chuck Norris's face on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.

Chuck Norris can spit through bulletproof glass.

Yo mama so stupid she tried to make an appointment with Dr.pepper

There are no such things as Chuck Norris haters...just people with short lives.

Chuck Norris doesn't walk away from explosions, explosions walk away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a bullet proof vest because the bullets wouldn't dare hit him.

I'm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween, she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

Chuck Norris CAN leave Hotel California.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

An eclipse is just the suns attempt to hide from Chuck Norris.

Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it's daylight.

If Chuck Norris met Dora the Explorer, he'd introduce her to his Boots.

Chuck Norris understood the ending of Lost.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt Everest by accident.

Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

Chuck Norris teaches math to solve its own problems.

Yo mama's so fat that when she wore a red shirt, people said hey look koolaid.

Chuck Norris can find the end of a circle.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

Chuck Norris can walk on water..,he's not God...the water is just afraid of getting him wet.

Chuck Norris got a homerun in bowling.

Yo mama is so fat, she needs two Facebook accounts for her profile picture.

When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get stronger.

Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.

Chuck Norris can win a Grammy from coughing.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Home is where the wifi connects automatically.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

When Chuck Norris plays Nazi Zombies it's the Zombies who build barriers.

Chuck Norris can tap dance though a mine field... wearing clown shoes.

When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.

The most effective way to remember to buy something to your wife for St. Valentine's Day is... to forget it once!

Chuck Norris was a comedian, but everyone started to die of laughter.

Yo mama is so stupid that she bought curtains for her computer just because it had Windows.

A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."

Newton's 3rd Law never applies to Chuck Norris.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies close to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!

Yo mama so stupid, the password needed 8 characters, so she put Snow white and the 7 dwarves.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.

There was no Big Bang at the beginning of the Universe, Chuck Norris simply sneezed.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving at 10,000 feet he jumps into the plane... from the ground.

Chuck Norris doesn't beat around the bush, he beats up the bush.

Sex is like air – it's not important until you're not getting any.

Saw this bumper sticker in L.A. - "I'm not drunk, I'm Asian"

Just the thought of using Chuck Norris in a war is considered a terrible crime against humanity.

Chuck Norris gives Freddy Krueger nightmares.

Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.

Chuck Norris can fly a submarine.

Thunder is caused by Chuck Norris rubbing the stubble on his chin.

James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.

Your mama so fat she eats ice cream with a shovel.

Yo mama's so fat, she's the reason why the universe is expanding.

Chuck Norris finds it impossible to understand the concept of impossibility.

Davie Jones is afraid of Chuck Norris' Locker.

The fastest, most effective way to learn about servant leadership is to take a puppy for a walk.

You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.

Once Chuck Norris signed a cheque and the bank bounced.

Love is one way to get to a persons heart the other is Chuck Norris' fists.

The main distinction between a boss and the Pope is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Wife: "There's something preying on my mind."

Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."

Chuck Norris kills 100% of germs.

Chuck Norris kicked the world once, it hasn't stopped spinning.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to... unless your in prison.

When Neil Armstrong first landed on the moon he saw aliens worshiping Chuck Norris's footprints.

I'm so broke, I don't even get excited when I find money because I'm sure I owe it to someone.

Some people break the laws of the state, Chuck Norris breaks the laws of physics.

It's a proven fact that you will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.

If Chuck Norris was on Minute to Win it, they would need 59 seconds of filler.

People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.

Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.

Chuck Norris donated his heart to a hospital... twice.

Chuck Norris made Newton write 3 laws of physics just to break them... he was having a boring weekend.

Chuck norris once killed a bear with an imaginary knife.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't prepare dinner; dinner knows when to be ready.

Chuck Norris made a statue bleed.

"You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

Chuck Norris can sit in the shade...in an open field.

I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.

The biggest SEO problem with trampoline websites is the high user bounce rate!

My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.

Put tape over the optical sensor of someone's mouse.

Never hold in a fart; that's something an asshole would do.

Yo mama is so fat, the army used her pants for a parachute.

Yo' mama so fat, people exercise by doing laps 'round her!

Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?

Yo Momma's so fat that while she's sits on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, "Excuse me maam, but the tide wants to come in."

"Dad, your Father's Day gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding."

Evolution's driving mechanism is nature's desperate attempt to escape Chuck Norris.

Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.

Chuck Norris once caught a cold, then he killed it!

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

Angelina Jolie can curve a bullet. Chuck Norris can curve a laser.

Chuck Norris won the Boston marathon in New York.

Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, hes' known as Super Man.

The Dead Sea was once alive before Chuck Norris bathed there.

Chuck Norris once fell off a ladder, it immediately became a chair and caught him out of fear.

Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.

Yo mamma is so fat she doesn't need the internet to be worldwide.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church... everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

Your momma so ugly she gave Freddy Kruger nightmares.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.

Chuck Norris isn't a good shot, his bullets just know better than to miss.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Pal: "My advice for your date is, make her think you're well travelled, girls love it!"

Me: "Guess how many buses it took me to get here."